Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Her Last Day

My husband and I talked all weekend about that Skylar probably needed to be put to peace. We had gone through Dawson's ordeal and didn't want her to suffer. We didn't want to have her leave us if she still had good days ahead, but we also didn't want to prolong anything that would give her less dignity or unhappiness.

And that's the tricky thing. No one wants to talk about these things and it's hard to measure. It's not black and white if you're choosing the right thing. You don't want to give up on your companion who gave you the best years of their lives, but you also don't want to live in false hopes that everything is okay.

Skylar was on the decline. So it was time. But I still felt like a traitor. It was unlike Dawson. He couldn't stand, he could barely raise his head, he stopped eating. Skylar was eating less, she could walk, though no longer very well, and she was very aware of all that was going around her. But she was just mere bones, hardly any muscle. She'd visit me every morning. But she did lay around all day and things were just tougher for her. 

So I let work early so I could spend some quality time with her before her appointment.

It felt weird, knowing this was the last time we would sun bathe and be together. The last snuggle. Did she know? Did she have any inclination?

AShton made over her for a time, but got bored quickly and went off to play. Skylar sunbathed for awhile then just wandered aimlessly for a bit.

Soon my husband made it home and we had about 10 minutes left before we had to head to the vet's office. We did our best to make it the best time Skylar could have.

I don't know how I feel about this "photo shoot".Was it a lie. Was it a therapeutic goodbye? Was it a band-aid for the guilt we felt? I didn't know if I wanted to share these. There's something dark about taking photos of your beloved pet minutes before you're going to put them to sleep. It's not the same. But she wasn't loved any less. Yes, she doesn't look the same full coat, vibrant look. But she was still our marshmallow. Still our gentle soul. And I felt guilty not having more photos of late of her. There are a couple, but not like I used to. Not since before Ashton where my pups were my muses and I snap shot them all the time. I've got to be better.

Regardless, this is life. It's not black and white. It's messy. It's full of mistakes, but full of love. And this was love. Love of our precious Skylar minutes before she'd reunite with our other furbabies that left us earlier this year.

Dawson faded away. Once he passed, I didn't cry a single tear. He pain was gone. I felt at peace. I can't say the same for Skylar. She passed instantly, but cried out when she got her shot. It tore me to pieces.

That night I was a mess. Ashton had lots of questions. And when Skylar was alive, I did okay doing my best to answer them. It was pure curiosity. But weren't questions I wanted to deal with. Once she was gone, I couldn't take about it anymore. I just wanted to grieve. Ashton played, my husband buried her, and I broke down.

By the end of the night, when Ashton was in bed asleep, my husband and I just wanted to veg. Have the TV take us away from the present. We needed an escape. It sort of worked.

We had our 4 remaining dogs with us. Kiara, our pekingese was on the floor by our feet. Khaleesi, our dalmatian was laying on the ottoman in front of us. Amadeus, my Chihuahua, was in my lap. Kaida, our newest addition, our puppy Chihuahua, was laying in my husband's lap.

We have had Kaida for about 2 months. During this time, we thought that our two Chis would bond, like Arwen and Ami did. But what has happened is my Ami has become a Grinch. He tolerates her, but doesn't want to hang out with her. She tries to play and he tells her to back away. 

It is almost like when Amadeus was a puppy. He was like Pepe Le Pew around Skylar. He would tug on her ears, lay on top of her, snuggle, and she would just ignore him. Now and then she'd moth him away. She wasn't a growler. Not our sweet Skylar. She may snap a warning, but she had no bite.

Therefore, Khaleesi who is only 2 years older and much closer in age and formed a bond with our little Kaida. They play together and have a ball. It's fun to watch as their size difference is considerable. I'm glad Khaleesi has a friend in Kaida. But it was still sad that Kaida and Amadeus never bonded.

Well, all of a sudden Kaida was egging Amadues on to play. And he started playing back. Just like he and Arwen used to always play. I mean, it was out of the blue. I don't know what changed.

All I can say is this. Skylar died. And somehow, true or not, I like to think she bewitched Amadeus and gave Kaida a little of her moxie that drew Ami to Sky in the past so that he'd warm up to her. My Amadues is warming up to Kaida, and it didn't happen until Skylar left. 

I like to think it was her gift to us and her way of telling us she is okay and that she doesn't feel betrayed by our actions. And that she loves us.

Silly, I know. But seeing them play, and thinking it was a gift from her, it gave my heart peace.

They played for about 3 times that night. Of course they played much better when I was NOT filming. Isn't that how it always works. But I was able to catch a bit of that magical moment.

During a very dark time for us, I thank God for giving us a small blessing on that day to give us hope and a smile. Everything is going to be okay.

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