Monday, September 12, 2016

Death Isn't Easy

My precious "Blue Eyes is gone. She was slipping away and it was time to let her go. It has been an extremely painful and hard 12 months.

In October, last year, our dear cat Fancy passed after a long life.

In March, we were all shocked when right before bedtime, our little Arwen passed.

In June, Dawson (Skylar's companion) passed.

Now Skylar has gone to join him.

Hopefully, they're running about together having a great time, reunited.

It's never easy with your furbaby dies. Especially if you are strong animal lovers and treat them as family as we do. A part of you dies with them. 

We were in shock over Arwen, seeing Dawson go was torture, and Skylar... well that your heart is all ready in pieces, it leaves your heart to crumbled ash.

Arwen passed, and we were numb. Dawson was hard, but his pain was gone and there was peace. With Skylar, maybe it's the straw that broke the camel's back, but all this loss, it's taking it's toll. 

Maybe I can go more into the day and our goodbye, and how Ashton was brave and asked questions, just like before. She's had to deal with death over and over at such a young age. And she's resilient. I don't think she can really fathom it. She doesn't cry, just questions.

It's hard to deal with and parent her when all you want to do is die a little yourself and shut the world out. How do you be a good parent when your aching and don't want to be bothered with the hows and whys of it all.

It's times like these I wish I could let her go visit someone for awhile so we can just grieve. Just a couple days. Let us mope and focus on our own pain rather than worry about feeding, entertaining, teaching, getting to bed. It's sometimes just a little much.

The funny thing is you know that their days are numbered. They are older, they have a shorter time frame, but that doesn't help. That doesn't dull the pain of loss. It doesn't prepare you to say good-bye. There is no dignified way. It just is and at times your managing, and others you look like a puffer fish and can't form a sentence. 

I don't know if her seeing us mourn is teaching her anything. I'm trying to balance grief and being a mother. It's hard when she just wants to go outside and play and you want to wall yourself away.

I miss the gang. I miss my brood. I miss Skylar. Yes, she wasn't the same dog she was even a year ago. But she was still the gentlest of souls. Our marshmallow.

All I can get into is that like our other pups, she was amazing. Very unique to us. Very loved. I hope Ashton won't forget them. They don't deserve it. But she's so young. What will she remember? What will we forget ourselves over time?

I don't want the memories to fade. I want their presence to stay vivid and clear. I'm not ready for this next phase. I life without these precious babies. I can only hope that the touch of death isn't ready to claim any more of our furbabies. Yes, we still have 4 dogs and 2 cats. That is a lot. That is plenty of love and laughter and for our hearts to go on. But that doesn't help it make it any easier. Doesn't lesson the pain.

Skylar was a sweet, gentle girl. Her gentle spirit left a fierce hold on my heart. 
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