Thursday, July 30, 2015

Sleepless Nights

I praise God for giving us an amazing life. We have employment, shelter, food, love... all the necessities in life. It's a really good life. So when I talk about our struggles, it's not that I'm ungrateful or dwelling on the bad. I'm just being realistic. Saying how it is. Life isn't all roses, and I'm not going to share all our struggles out on the world wide web, but I'm willing to show glimpses about daily life. and I want Ashton to know the ups and downs of her childhood. Especially the arts she won't remember when she grows up. I'd like her to see how loved she was and the good and bad days. And I want her to see how we did our best we could to manage them. I think this blog is priceless for her.

But I'm off point.

Most of our struggles have been sleeping... or the lack there of. It's been no secret. And I sleep very little to begin with. I now have a fitbit and I come to find out I sleep roughly 3.5 hours a night! That's crazy. It says I'm restless the rest of the time. So if I don't get my sleep, I'm very cranky. Sleep affects me greatly.

So it's a blessing that I have a great husband that will help out in those wee hours of the night to help out with Ashton if she's crying.

Well, Ashton has had about 4 terrible nights in a row. Last night was my turn. You wouldn't believe with all her "friends" above and having Peyton the cat and Kiara the pekingese on her bed, that she'd feel alone. But she does. And when she wakes up, it's hard to console her. She can cry hard for hours until she falls back to sleep.

Last night, she woke up about 1am. Not hungry, not with foot pain, but scared to be alone. I tried consoling her and she just wouldn't stop shaking or crying. So I told her to come to our room. It slowly subsided and she slept through the night after that. I just wish she felt safe and not abandoned if we're not within sight. But that isn't the case. So we do our best to show her we're here. We're not going anywhere.

Also, yesterday we just got notification from her daycare of another week off. This time in October. I hated finding out 2 months in advance. We need more time to properly plan. Even if it's in their contract that they get 2 weeks off a year, when I got the first newsletter in January and saw the July week, I thought that was it. Silly me!

There are some problems with the time off. One, I don't have the vacation to stay with her. And two, my husband will be out of town for work. I'm sure I can have my brother or mother help out a day here or there. And I may be able for a day... but I've got to find alternative daycare. A back up. Something. And that unknown doesn't sit well with me.

I'm a planner. I hate not having a back up for something like this. I know I can manage it; and worst case, I'll work from home with her (but I know with just Ashton and me, I won't get much work done - that's more for her sick days). But I want something better than that. I'm doing my best not to fret about it and cast my worries to God. He's got it all taken care of. But right now, I'm trying to control the anxiety I feel.

With all her mosquito bites she's getting from playing out side and being filthy dirty, then hearing this. her daycare is good, but I worry isn't in her best interests. I know they love her and she's been learning a lot, but right now, I'm just tired of any daycare drama. And there really is't any drama... it's not on fire or closing... I've jumped those hurdles before. But this surprise and all the little things, I'm just saddened that things aren't falling into place and that I feel like it's always a bit of a struggle in that department.

I'm doing my best to quickly find alternative back up daycare. I just pray, it doesn't cost more or is too scary for her (she has anxiety about being alone... I can't imagine a brand new place for just a week. It will have to be a very special person or place.) I'm trying to see this as a test God is putting me through so I can rise to the challenge. Again, I DO know without a doubt, that it'll be okay. I can watch her, worst case, while working - but that's not ideal. I'd like ideal, if I can get it. So I'm going to try and see what resources I have out there or look around at alternative temporary care.

I just wish I had the plan now. I'm not patient. And I want to have several backup plans, ideal ones, not worst case. But that's okay. Right now I don't need ideal. I'm safe in knowing I do have a back-up plan. Not the best, but it's me, and I'm best for her. Hopefully, work would understand if it comes to this. They have before.

So here she is with Fancy this morning. My little pirate. Covered in band-aids to stop her from scratching her mosquito bites raw and ready for daycare.

I will way it was great that it was a good drop off day. She had no tears, no "Stay", she ran off without a care in the world.

Sometimes, it's the little things like that which help make it a better day to face the challenges head on.

So as I was saying before... blessed life, amazingly happy life, but still a few hurdles to keep me grounded and keep it all in perspective and appreciate the blessings we have.
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