Thursday, December 20, 2012
14 Months, Make It 14 Hours
After feeling a bit saddened from being told about a 14 month wait, I finished my work day and got home. It was an ugly, muddy, rainy day and I felt disheartened. My slow wait had gotten incredibly s...l...o...w...e...r.
I knew it was all in God's timing, but to hear it would be longer than I imagined was still hard to swallow. But I did my best to try and look at things positively.
I thought I'd cheer myself up by looking at pinafore patterns on Etsy, maybe a cherry blossom something, or some other form of cheap shopping therapy.
When I arrived home, my husband said he had some extra work to get done a few miles away and if I wanted to go with him. I said no, I'd stay take care of the pups and stay home. He usually doesn't ask me to go with him; I was touched he wanted my company. I might have gone if I didn't feel so disheartened. He said he'd be a little over half an hour and left.
I was on Etsy maybe 4 minutes and didn't feel like shopping. I just couldn't browse. I wasn't up for a search. So, I clicked on my agency's site. There were some new additions to the waiting child/special focus page. I looked through them. One was of a beautiful, baby girl. I read her description. Some of it was of concern, but was enough to peak my interest. But realistically I'm thinking this surly is not THE ONE... and my husband wasn't here. Then, I called my mother just to let her have a look to see if it aroused her interest as it did mine.
She looked on the site too. I was curious if she saw what I saw... the possibility. We chatted saying it could be worse or better than what they're hinting at. We both came to the conclusion that it was definitely a worth to look at her file.
My head was spinning... really? Worth looking at her file? I'm sure she's not THE ONE. Just getting more information... but getting more information, wow that's serious. I started getting anxious and nervous.
I began rationalizing with my mother. I said, "I shouldn't ask for her file without my husband having looked at it". She said, "Don't lose the file. You can return it if he's not interested". That is very unlike the two of us. I'm usually one to go with my heart and be impulsive, wanting to dive in; and my mother is always the more cautious one. It was so strange to see us the other way around.
So, I thought for a second. I can't hurt to inquire. Why not. I said, "Okay, I'll email the same lady at the agency." This being the same, sweet woman who only hours earlier told me I would be waiting 18 months from MCC.
I typed a short email asking, "Am I allowed to see the file on your Waiting Child site to see if our family is interested?"
I told mom I sent the email. My mom said, "Well you better call her too". I said, "No, I'm just going to send that email". She said "Do it. Don't loose the chance."
Again, I was feeling like I was wrong to step forward without talking with my husband. I didn't want to make this decision without him. And what if he didn't want to look at the file? What if you're frowned upon for looking at a lot of files. How "interested" is validation enough to see? I didn't want to upset anyone or upset anything. But I was truly interested... but also scared. I'm not sure if I was scared of her being a fit or not a fit. I think it was afraid of overstepping my husband or being let down, but there was so many factors. Regardless I was just anxious all the same. I felt silly calling up inquiring about the file too, because what if at first glance her file was too much for us to handle? I'd feel embarrassed. But then my mother was afraid someone else would jump at her and see the same possibilities we did; and we'd loose this girl. I understood the facts, but it just spiked my nerves.
So, I called her up and got her voice mail. This was about the time my husband gets home and the dogs are barking to greet him. Therefore, I couldn't hear the beep from her voice message to leave a voice mail; so I hung up. She may have gotten a message of me saying, "I didn't hear a beep. Hello? Puppies, quiet! I'll call back!" Talk about embarrassing! At least I got being embarrassed done and over with.
I called back again and that time left an articulate message. Whew!
I showed my husband her brief description on the website and the 3 photos they had of her. I ask him if he minded that I tried to get her file without talking to him first. He didn't care. And what was shocking, my husband was VERY interested; which surprised me, but helped validate our "rush".
Not 10 minutes later, at 6:32 P.M. I get her file from the agency with the message, "Here’s the file you asked about in your message. Please look over her information and let me know tomorrow what your initial thoughts are. Thanks so much!"
There were 2 more photos, 7 pages of translated reports, and 6 of the same pages in Chinese.
We read and read; and all 3 of us are talking over each other. Now the nerves have a new element. Looking and discussing the file, the whole time I felt like I was in a silo or felt numb. I felt so detached to everything. I was really concentrating, just going through everything studying it all. It looked too good to be true to us. But there were definitely some technical things that were over our heads.
We then decided to call a friend of ours who is a doctor. We wanted his opinion to read some of the things that were over our heads in the reports. To see if any huge red flags stuck out. After we got a hold of him and he got home from work (that wait felt like it took forever), he said it seemed good enough (no red flags to stop here) to go pay for a professional opinion.
We decide to have her reports checked by professional doctors at Riley Hospital for Children, here in Indy. Well, it's now nearing 8 P.M. So, I have to call their 24-hour hotline.
The whole time I'm anxious and nervous, but still numb. I can't describe the feeling. It's not excited. It's just anxiety, because of trying to access all the information in a fast time to respond back to the agency and trying to be thorough at the same time. The deadline and sense of urgency was the pressure I was feeling.
The receptionist was so-so sweet. She loved my possible match adoption story and said, "I'll find you who you need".
We had a bit of a cat and mouse game of waiting for each doctor to call us, but it went pretty smoothly. Just took a lot of time. We were able to have a couple doctors give us their opinions. The scary part was her needs looked more than promising. This was something we could handle (and for privacy, we are keeping her needs confidential.)
We couldn't believe we were getting the information we were getting. We were expecting them to stress the worse case scenarios, to dash our hopes that it was too good to be true as we saw it, and tell us we didn't think of this huge issue or this. Now sure, things happen or things come that were undetected. We are expecting things that are not listed in the limited information we have. But you get that with all children. Right now, things looked good. The doctors were very encouraging. We were floored. My husband and I began holding each other's hand trying to ground each other when hearing the good news.
There was no question after that. All 3 of us knew to proceed. God had laid our precious, little girl in our laps. Now it was time to bring her home.
So, at 11:42 P.M. we sent an email to our agency that simply stated, "We are very interested! That's our girl!"
Then, I knew I had better start writing our letter of intent, our LOI. So, I wrote out in Word that we wanted her, would protect her, give her an education, and medical assistance. I emailed the LOI to my work email so I'd have it ready when I got a call or email back from the agency the next day.
Then it was to get ready for bed. That's when I looked up and looked out the window and noticed it had been snowing during that whole time. It was our first snow of the season. It was as if the ugly, rainy, muddy world that I came home from had turned to a pristine, beautiful, snow white as we were learning about our child. It was as if God were physically showing us that our world was forever changing into something beautiful. God also has a sense of humor, not 14 hours ago I had thought we wouldn't be matched for another 14 months, but then this child is all of a sudden here. Now!
Getting ready for bed was hard. I was waiting to feel excited now. But I still felt oddly confused, or at odds. Thoughts were swirling. Did we really do what I think we did? Are we truly sure we want her? Is this happening? This is too fast, this can't be right. Why wasn't I excited? We were still in shock and still numb. but all the anxiety was still there. How would I possibly sleep? I needed some reassurance. It was already 1:30 A.M. I had work the next day. I was having problems focusing on my bedtime routine. I forgot to moisturize, brush teeth; I was lucky to remember to put on my pajamas. I couldn't do the things I typically do every night. I was a mess.
As I laid in bed, a swirl of thoughts were going through my head. The end of the world is supposed to happen tomorrow... hehe. It was as if she was my Myan Apocalypse. My world is FOREVER changed. She is year of the rabbit! My girl is Thumper!! I was wearing Thumper pajamas! I can "wrap" her up for Christmas and share with the family! How fun would that be? We could be in China by April or July! Wow, that's so soon! She's lived through 2 Halloweens and 1 Christmas. Her second Christmas, she will have a family! Gotta sleep... gotta sleep... and sleep finally came.
But of course I kept waking up about every hour. The next day I ran purely on adrenaline.